did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
