He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
