I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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