Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
