Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
