She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
