Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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