I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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