If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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