I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you never un-have a 4some
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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