a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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