she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
