there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
