I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
