What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
