I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
a search helicopter?!
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she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
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He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day