Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.