Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
