I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
