these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
