why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't deserve a penis
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
