i don't like sucking hair
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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