I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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