i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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