I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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