Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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