I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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