I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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