great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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