guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
