Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
