He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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