Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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