either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
