I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
