That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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