I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
