Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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