he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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