im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
how drunk are you?
Several
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
