WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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