I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
