never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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