She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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