Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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