Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
