If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
