The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
