My hand turned me down
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
