Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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