Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
