I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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