the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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