it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
