i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
