I smell stomach acid.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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